Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize