You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
