either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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