The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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