Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
