next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
