every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize