Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
