when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
