that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they're like a gay fantastic four
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
