You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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