i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
