Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
