It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
