I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
