i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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