there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
