not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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