how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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