Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
