her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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