Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
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