I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
