there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
