I faked an abortion last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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