Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
