Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
