hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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