bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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