i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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