Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
