That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
