I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
