So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I could make wine with my vomit
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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