My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
