"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
