I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
