All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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