Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
