oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
