Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
