So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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