my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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