we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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