rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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