dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
