my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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