It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize