is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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