Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Sober January is a disaster.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
