Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
