I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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