Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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