Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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