just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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