then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize