i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
