smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
